Wrestling With God

There are a lot of blessings in having a child with disabilities. It has changed my perspective drastically and wonderfully. Since Cody's birth, I don't worry as much about the "little things." In our household, there's no such thing as a small miracle;  we celebrate the most minuscule of developmental accomplishments!

I also have times that are especially trying and strangely it isn't in the "bigger"/traumatic events such as surgery, seizures, etc... It's often in the smaller things such as noticing a pained expression on Cody's face because of his spasticity,  his frustration with his body, or not being able to easily communicate  his wants and needs.

I often think back to a conversation that I had with my mother when I was about ten or eleven. I remember beginning with, "I think I am an atheist." I had told her that I had come to the conclusion that God couldn't exist and I had several reasons to make my case. I distinctly recall  this point... How could there be a God when there was so much suffering in the world, particularly with children?? (I was basing this on a recent  trip we had taken  to visit  family out of state which included a day spent at Six Flags. Also visiting that day,  was a school of children with disabilities. I recalled  feeling such empathy and a sense of unfairness  for my peers. This wasn't a very common sight back then. It was long before the Americans with Disabilities Act; inclusion did not exist as it does today).

Happy to report that nearly a decade later, I changed my opinion and became a Christian in 1989. It has proven to be my greatest personal decision.

We've experienced the miraculous in the fact that Cody is alive today; he survived nearly twelve minutes without oxygen. One of the first: a nurse practitioner whose shift ended for the day, was leaving the hospital when she heard the STAT call as we were heading into the operating room. Days after the delivery, she came to me as Cody continued his fight in the NICU. She told me that as she entered the room, the neonatal doctors and nurses were gathered around Cody after the 2nd attempt to revive him. She then prefaced  the rest of her involvement with, "I am not a religious person. I've never been a believer in God  but I heard an audible voice say, 'Try one more time." She convinced the others in the room to try once more to resuscitate Cody; they were within seconds of pronouncing his death. They did try once more....and he breathed. I'm indebted to her and the Lord.

Cody's struggles were not over. He began to experience seizure activity and was placed on a breathing tube. The first neurologist was very doubtful of his survival without the tube; his initial MRI was not promising. Six days following, he was taken off of the breathing tube and was breathing just fine...TAKE THAT BRAIN INJURY! The following  five weeks in the NICU were challenging  but he continually exceeded expectations.

Cody w/breathing tube.

The day Cody's breathing tube was removed!

Several months later, a  friendly acquaintance at church asked me how Cody was progressing. I had communicated to her that I was beginning to see signs of developmental delays. She responded with, "God never heals halfway." She was well meaning but that statement echoed in my mind for a long time. I thought of those first hours, days, weeks and  the helplessness that I felt as a mother. I also thought of the overwhelming peace that I experienced when I resolved in my heart and mind that as Cody was not in my hands that he was in God's..... no matter the outcome.

I've had my share of "wrestling with God" days. I've had times of talking at Him...not to Him. Everyone has experienced suffering, loss, disappointment, pain, grief, etc.... I think that people (including myself) often equate suffering with God's absence but the opposite is true.
Romans 8:28a, 37-39.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Even though there are  challenging days, I've altered  my childhood perspective of  God and those with disabilities... because of Cody and  others with disabilities that I've come to know, I see Him more clearly in their perseverance, their joy of life, (the list goes on).......