Saturday, November 8, 2014

PTSD and The Special Needs Parent

It has been 13 years but I often find myself still on that hospital bed. I have dreams and flashbacks.  I suddenly feel claustrophobic; I find it hard to breathe. I'm frightened for my son and myself. I want to speak; I want to SHOUT but I lose consciousness.  I awaken to discover myself in the hallway being transported into the operating room.  I've lost a great deal of blood. My thoughts are of Cody, the son that I have yet to see ... our baby that his dad and I named months ago. I awaken as the the doctor is beginning the caesarean. The scalpel make its initial slice into my abdomen; I can see the reflection of this in the doctor's glasses. In and out of consciousness, I begin to pray. I pray loudly for Cody.

He is rushed to the right hand corner of the room. There is no crying. I can only hear the hurried actions of hospital personnel. Minutes tick by and still nothing. Finally, I hear a faint cry. I don't know how much time transpired but he is then held next me to my on my right hand side. He's all bundled in a pink, blue and white generic hospital blanket. I don't remember the person holding my son; I can only envision the hands and arms. I look into his beautiful face. He looks so much likes his older sister. His eyes are open. I again lose consciousness.

It's PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder. It's often spoken of in relation to veterans and the battles they have been a part. For more info on PTSD:  http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20022540    There has been a great deal of research that has found parents of children with special needs have stress levels comparable to those in combat. I may not have believed that if I had not experienced it for myself.

The symptoms have never gone away completely but the severity of living with that day comes and goes. This is the second period of time that it has been most difficult. I believe the reason stems from some challenges we are currently facing and as Cody is transitioning into his adolescence.

I'm not sharing this for sympathy but to share the story to hopefully be a help to others. I encourage any parent dealing with depression, anxiety, PTSD symptoms that you are not alone. If you are struggling, seek help. Help can come from a myriad of resources. Personally, therapy has been a great help for me. Also, for me it's a personal relationship with God.

As our children with profound disabilities age, there are great joys but also grief mixed in as well. It's a different kind of grief. It's heart wrenching  at times to see Cody struggle with his body. It's also a great source of encouragement that he never gives up.
My two children in a candid pic. I'm a grateful mom.